Quotes

"YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LEADS TO VIOLENCE AND HORROR? MY MOM!"

"Come down here and fight like a man!"
"I don't suppose I could convince you to come up here and fight like a spider?"

“Where’s he going?”
“Oh, he said he’s going to find some place to die slowly because he’s depressed as all hell.”
“Mm, languish.”
“Sorry, depressed as all heck.”

"Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!"
"Well, probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence."
".......Oh."
"I do not understand how you keep forgetting that."

He burst out laughing, and Molly sprang up, red from hairline to throat-hollow. “Where have you been?” she cried. “Damn you, where have you been?” She took a few steps toward Schmendrick, but she was looking beyond him, at the unicorn.

When she tried to get by, the magician stood in her way. “You don’t talk like that,” he told her, still uncertain that Molly had recognized the unicorn. “Don’t you know how to behave, woman? You don’t curtsy, either.”

But Molly pushed him aside and went up to the unicorn, scolding her as though she were a strayed milk cow. “Where have you been?” Before the whiteness and the shining horn, Molly shrank to a shrilling beetle, but this time it was the unicorn’s old dark eyes that looked down.

“I am here now,” she said at last.

Molly laughed with her lips flat. “And what good is it to me that you’re here now? Where were you twenty years ago, ten years ago? How dare you, how dare you come to me now, when I am this?” With a flap of her hand she summed herself up: barren face, desert eyes, and yellowing heart. “I wish you had never come, why do you come now?” The tears began to slide down the sides of her nose.

"My lord is a man of unassailable principles. To assail them, after all, one must locate them first."

"Nonsense. I've not yet begun to defile myself."

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, but set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

"Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."

"Bikke is, to put it nicely, not smart. He couldn't mutiny water out of a glass. Vilbert is a goth kid. He's too busy trying to look like he stumbled into that aesthetic by pure force of cooler-than-thou to do anything. And you have been a broken dark elf ever since Fighter took your swords away. So in a calculated balance of threat versus power way, I have nothing to fear."
"But what if you're wrong?"
"The tacos were all made with amnesia peppers. In an hour, this meeting will never have happened."

"We need to use your heart."
"So do I! It moves my blood around!"
"Not if we kill you!"
"That's distressingly logical."

When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.

The effort to catch a falling, breakable object will produce more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Experience is what causes you to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

If your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't think was important.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice, then you don't need advice.

Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

An exception granted becomes a right expected the next time it is requested.

No problem is so large that it can't be fit in somewhere.

If you can't fix it, feature it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

"Life is funny. You start out with limitless potential, but time is always shaving away the possibilities. Every choice you make is the choice not to do a thousand other things. What's important, when all is said and done, is that you made a difference. Your choices, and everything undone, have to mean something. Otherwise, what was the point?

"I'm lucky that way. My path was already there. I had only to walk it. I often thought even if no one knew of the good I had done with my life, it didn't matter. That it was done is all that counts in the end.

"But then I died.

"And I hadn't gotten to do any of it yet."

"Why doesn't the Foundation contain billionaires? They clearly don't have souls."

Ah, my old enemy, stairs!

"Oh, what are you gonna do, go get that one guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'tExist?"

Some random dragon flavor text from Magic cards.

"When a dragon attacks, there are no bystanders."
-Ancient Hellkite

"He has no patience for minds that do not inspire him or explode by trying."
-Niv-Mizzet, Dracogenius

"If dragons excel at anything more than vanity, it is greed."
-Exalted Dragon

"A demon cannot be trusted, and a dragon will not be ruled."
-Malfegor

"If it comes for you, die boldly or die swiftly - for die you will."
-Balefire Dragon

"The knights see a mighty quarry. The dragon sees breakfast, lunch, and dinner."
-Hunted Dragon

"Sometimes primitive cultures attributed natural phenomena to monsters. Sometimes they were right."
-Thunder Dragon

"Dragons make for spiteful gods."
-Predator Dragon

"You'll bend to my will - with or without your precious sanity."
-Dragon Mage

"If it can scar the sky with fire, do not share its destination."
-Firestorm Hellkite

"The dragon is a perfect marriage of power and the will to use it."
-Crucible of Fire

"Baby dragons can't figure out humans - if they didn't want to be killed, why were they made of meat and treasure?"
-Furnace Whelp

"Its hunger and ire are no less for being wrought of lies and mist."
-Phantasmal Dragon

"We speak the dragons' language of flame and rage. They speak our language of fury and honor. Together we shall weave a tale of destruction without equal."
-Dragonspeaker Shaman

While it's true most Dragons are cruel, the Shivan Dragon seems to take particular glee in the misery of others, often tormenting its victims much like a cat plays with a mouse before delivering the final blow.
-Shivan Dragon

now for some slivers

"Keep them at sword's length!". Gerrard's order fell flat as each sliver's talon suddenly grew longer. "Hold on-break out the polearms!"
-Talon Sliver

Slivers are evil and slivers are sly; And if you get eaten, then no one will cry.
-Spined Sliver

Everything around here has cut a deal with gravity.
-Winged Sliver

The air was filled with the cracks and snaps of flesh hardening as the new sliver joined the battle.
-Muscle Sliver

Hanna: "We must learn how they protect each other."
Mirri: "After they're done trying to kill us, all right?"
-Armor Sliver

"My time would be better served preparing your places in the afterlife. Cheerio."
"Not reassuring that he went down instead of up."